Go ahead and tell me that I am not. That my baby isn't surviving because something is wrong with THEM and not ME. Or that it is my body's way of getting rid of something that was not meant to be. Or even that my body failed me not me failing my body. It's out of my control. I know.
Wednesday morning (early morning) I went to my Dr office for blood work. I went with my mom, she drove since J had to work and if I pushed my appointment back I would be late for work. I felt confident. I just could not imagine ANYTHING going wrong.
I got to work early, went about my day and waited for 1:00 to hit. By then they should for sure have those results. I felt calm until 12:00... Then it was 1:30 and no call! So I called, they said the results come in later on wednesdays and all this crap. Stuff I did not want to hear because the last time I was pregnant and needed blood draw I would get a call by 1:00, sometimes earlier. But I let it go, and went on my break from work. J made lunch and after we ate my phone rang, a number I did not know, so I answered.
This is how the call went for me...
"Yeah Hi, this is Susie from the Drs office, yeah we have the blood work back and the numbers went from 50 to 90... so it is not looking good again... if you could come into the office on friday and then saturday............................."
Then I stopped listening. I started tearing up and I didn't want her to hear it so I just kept saying 'yes' and 'mhm' a lot. Right away I called my mom and ended up having to pass the phone to J. I could not stop crying. I was crying so hard that I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was gasping for air. J and I hugged and cried for a while, then the alarm on my phone went off saying my break was over.
I went back to work, blood shot eyes and still holding back tears. I rushed into the bathroom and waited for my eyes to lighten up. When I got to my classroom I was relieved to find out that we were going outside. I made sure I put on my sunglasses. It helped being with the kids at work, but at some moments I was still choking back tears.
Work ends and I talked to my boss(es) and let them know what is happening. One already knew of my previous loss. I asked for friday off and they gave me thursday as well. I was thankful for it. I was and still am, on the verge of tears at any given time.
Friday I went to get more blood taken and was told congratulations by the lady taking my blood. I was so upset that she didn't look more into my chart. I got the results just after 12:00 and it went from 90 to 100... yeah that sucks. Then later that night I saw my oncologist and she gave me a prescription for blood thinners to see if that can help. The reasoning is that there could be a clot where the baby is, and that clot could keep the baby from growing, thus keeping it from producing more HCG. It will fight off more blood cells from becoming part of the possible clot, and while it does that my body should be able to break down the possible clot. She wanted me to do this for the next pregnancy after our last loss because I took blood thinners during chemo.
After seeing the oncologist we went to pick up the shots. A month worth is over $700. Yikes. And this is the generic brand! So the pharmacy suggested buying just a weeks worth for now. Which was under $200... still a lot. But this was doable since we don't know if the current baby would actually benefit from the shots, and I do not want to end up with over 20 blood thinner shots.
So this all leads me to today. The meeting with my RE. the pre meeting was with one of her new/training nurses. She told me that with the beginning of my last cycle I am 5 weeks today and the EDD is September 14, 2013. Then she kept calling my last loss a 'missed abortion'. I understand that it is the medical term. But to me an abortion is a choice to lose that baby. I did not chose to lose my baby. My baby was no longer growing. My baby was already with God.
When I met with the Dr she said she believes this could be a chemical pregnancy. Which I thought would have made me miscarry before I make it to 5 weeks. Guess I am wrong. Then she told me there is a chance of ectopic, but that she doubts it would be that. But she did warn me to stay around the house, do not go traveling, keep near a hospital because if it is ectopic it will burst and I could pass out. Yeah, way to freak me out! She said once this baby miscarries that she wants to wait a month and then test me to see why at 23 I am losing pregnancies. Which will put a big halt on our TTC plans. But to be honest, I am scared to get pregnant again. I guess we will just have to wait and see if the want for a baby will out weigh our fears once it is time to try again. After she checked me and told me all this and then left, I just cried. I said to J "This is not supposed to be this hard..."
During the past 4 days I have been told so many miracle stories, and ways to help reverse this possible loss. I appreciate it, and trust me I take every comment into consideration. In the meantime, I am going to take my shots and say my prayers.
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