CD22...DPO?

I didn't chart this month. I started to but then I got lazy. So I have no idea when I ovulated. The latest I've ovulated was CD18 (month we got pregnant) So I would assume ovulation is over and now I have to wait... for something or nothing. But I really don't think this month worked out for us. Not to sound like a downer...I just don't.
Since my last post J and I have officially become foster parents. Well, as far as the license goes... We are so excited to start taking in children, but we plan on waiting for money to be more stable. (When J isn't getting 'laid off' often) In the meantime we plan on stocking up on different gender and size clothing, different sized diapers, shoes, socks. Since the first month of taking a child in it takes a while before we receive money to help with the childs expenses, we want to have quite a few things already here for them to use.
I am still grieving our baby. And it is getting to be hard to watch others enjoy their pregnancy while I am just empty. I am ready to stop feeling like this, but I am not sure when that will happen.
James 1:2-3 Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters,^[a] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance.

CD 1....

Enough said with the title.

In other news.. J and I will have our final walk-through on monday. Which is also our 1 year anniversary!! I can't believe it will be one whole year that i have been married to this guy... he is amazing! God gave me a great gift when he gave me him.
We are excited for the final walk through. By the end of the week we basically could get phone calls... I am so ready to take care of a child and give them the love they need and deserve. I am praying that we could take in a child before christmas.
But that all depends on if we even get called...and then if we meet the child's needs, can we accommodate them in our home? I am so nervous! A good nervous though.


Open your mouth for those who cannot speak, and for the rights of those who are left without help. Open your mouth. Be right and fair in what you decide. Stand up for the rights of those who are suffering and in need. 
- Proverbs 31: 8-9

CD23/DPO7

I couldn't take it. I walked away when I heard of pregnancy being spoken. It Hurts. I am so sick of this pain. I cried in the car while I was playing K-Love (I decided it could help me stay calm during 2ww to focus on God) I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I may not know this reason for a long time. I think that is what makes it most difficult! 

Hug Addison extra tight for me God, also, hug J and I. We need your comfort. 

CD22/DPO6

Blahhh The past two days I cried so much, sad part is... I DON'T KNOW WHY!!

But today I kept thinking of my first BFP... seeing Pregnant. When will I see that again? I know this is only our first month trying again but... it took 6 months last time, I'd rather it doesn't again.

Addison, please send mommy a brother or sister of yours..

Wait no... CD19/DPO3

So I was wrong! My apologies. 

I am NOW 3 days past my ovulation. And praying for the best. I think the 2ww (two week wait) is one of the worst parts of TTC (trying to conceive). The other is getting a negative. 

Lord, I am asking for this child but I know it is all on your terms. 

CD16/3DPO

I shouldn't have, but I did... or I should say WE shouldn't have, but WE did. After this cycle is when I have the full clear from my RE to TTC again. But after thanksgiving seeing my sister (love you btw if you ever read this) rub her baby bump, it killed me. I should be doing that! If it weren't for the miscarriage I would be doing that. Right now all I am rubbing is a babyless tummy. I hold my stomach daily and pray that God will give me another child soon. I pray that He makes this womb a home for my baby to grow and grow until they are ready to be in my arms. Healthy and alive. So when I took my temp on the 24th drop I wanted to try. I still am waiting for crosshairs on FF to confirm.. which should have happened after 3dpo. So maybe I didn't O yet...
So I doubt this month will be 'Our month' and considering we should be waiting another month I guess thats good... but at the same time I do pray for a different outcome.

Christmas time is here... (CD14/DPO1)

AHH I am just so excited for Christmas!
Tree is up, fireplace is decorated...

Sweater party is on it's way... yessss.

"Do you have a son?"

I posted this on TB the other day, but I wanted to put it here so I can look back and remember this.
I keep being asked by people if I have any kids, once they find out the I am married that seems to be the  question!

I was giving a teacher a break during nap time. As I was sitting there this one boy who just would not sleep, randomly asked me if I had a son. (with certain stuff from my D&C and dreams I've had I feel in my heart that my baby was a boy) So I told him yes but that he doesn't live with me anymore. He asked what my sons name is and I told him the name we had picked. He kept asking me why he doesn't live with me, and was he going to come live with me again, and I told him no but I am going to go live with him some day.

When people ask me if I have a child I just want to say yes. I do! It's not a lie. Addison may not be with me but Addison sure was part of me.
J and I should have been finding out the sex of Addison this week. It kills me knowing all that could have been happening. Finding out the sex, having an actual ultrasound picture, wearing that shirt I bought at motherhood that I thought would be perfect for thanksgiving day.
I'm so bugged that the miscarriage was out of my control. There was nothing I could do to fix the fact that Addison was not growing, there is nothing to fix how I feel about missing Addison and seeing others pregnant.
Addison, if you could send me your brother or sister soon that would be great, maybe then mommy will feel like she got to have some part of you.

...

This weekend we celebrated my moms birthday at the camper. While we were in the camper we were sitting around and my mom offered wine. S (sister) declined the wine, which is NOT like her! Especially for a birthday. I knew something was up so I texted her...

She looked at me dead in the eye when I sent the first text. It reminded me of the first time I was offered wine while I was pregnant. I knew in that moment. And had to get it out of her. When she texted for the walk I came outside with a smile on my face, just knowing what she was going to tell me. 

On our walk she told me how horrible she felt being pregnant after my loss. I told her that this baby is a blessing, and she should not feel bad for being pregnant. This is clearly God's plan. S&B agreed to tell the rest of the family since our mom was already questioning about the wine, and really, how often do we get the family together! They picked gift time to do it... 

Look at them, they have no idea what is about to happen! So after all the gifts S said "So we have your gift, it's just on back order." .... Mom looked SO confused!! And then her jaw dropped and she screamed "YOU ARE PREGNANT!" J&C had no idea that their mommy was pregnant. J is so excited. I think C will understand more as time goes on. 

That night S and I talked more and it started sinking in more, and then even more on sunday. We would have been 6 weeks apart! I've never questioned why we miscarried more than I do right now. I've always wanted to be pregnant, and to be pregnant with one of my sisters would have been a wonderful bonus. Technically we were during august. She just did not know yet. 

I physically hurt thinking about how close I was to having those prayers be true. When I think about this all I start to feel numb in my arms and it leads to my chest. I hate this feeling. 

I am so happy for my sister, I am just unhappy for me.

My time will come...

Baby Addison.

Yesterday we had the D&C. I was pretty calm from the time we got there until hours later being rolled away. I joked with the nurse about the spelling of my first name because the spelling of my last name was wrong and she had to resticker everything. She did not look amused. I was though!
My RE doctor who would be doing the surgery came by to visit, we asked if there was a possibility to know the gender during tissue testing. But the baby does not show signs of a gender until 8 weeks.  I thought that gender was decided when sperm and egg met! And then it just took time for the baby to grow to physically show gender. Well, once she told us we will not know the gender we decided on a name, a name we liked mainly for a girl but that I have since found out it is a more masculine name. So it is gender friendly. We decided on Addison. Which means son of Adam, and Adam means 'earth'. We also found out that since the hospital that this was done at was a Catholic hospital they take the other babies from surgeries like this and other miscarriages and burry them. They gave us papers that explained where Addison will be.
The surgery was supposed to be at 10 but in hospital land that was pushed back to past 11 before they rolled me away. And they gave me meds that should 'calm me down' but really once I started leaving J I started crying. It felt even more real. I was crying all the way into the surgery room until the officially knocked me out. Then I woke up and had forgotten where I was for a second and what happened. I just kept asking when J could come to me. They gave me some pain meds because I was just aching from all that went on. They told me the more meds I asked for the longer it would take to get to the 2nd recovery room to see J, so I decided on just waiting it out and suddenly the pain eased.
They then took me to the second recovery room and this woman from the hospital came with a nun and asked if I was ready for the blessing. I told them yes but my husband was still in the waiting room so they went to get him. While they did the nun had to do the blessing without us because they were preparing Addison for tissue testing. Then the nun gave us paper with the blessing she read and a blanket/cloth they laid on Addison while they blessed. I came home shortly after that and FINALLY had something to eat other than hospital cookies. By the time I got home it was around 4:00. And there was no more pain, just very tired. Very, very tired! Here is a picture of the blanket, and a knitted angel, along with the blessing.

Let us ask God to look with tenderness on this child, and on each of us.

God of mercy and love, you are the source of all life. You know the depths of our sorrow. You have called Addison to yourself at the dawn of his/her life, and we ask that you lighten the burden of our loss by your loving care for us. We believe that Addison is with you. We ask that one day as a family, we may share eternal life with Addison and with You.

The cross is a powerful reminder that we live in hope and the promise of the resurrection. In the name of the christian community, I mark Addison with the sign of the cross.

God of comfort, ever strong and ever faithful, stand by E&J in their time of need. In Your love, You gave us Your Son, Jesus, to help us in our time of grief and pain. Give E&J a share in the strength You gave Your Son, so that they may be a help to one another, and a sign to each other in Your goodness and loving care. Amen.

Miss you baby.

Maybe over the next week or two I can explain and talk about this more, but for now I'm just going to share enough to get my point across.
Today J and I went to our second ultrasound. We hoped to hear the heartbeat but instead we found out that this was no embryo in the sac. We are heart broken, but we are trusting that God has his hand in this and it is all part of his plan. In a week I will be having another ultrasound and next friday I will be having a D&C, which we hope will give us answers as to why the pregnancy ended the way it did.
The biggest thing I want right now is to be able to hold my baby in 7 months, but happy to know that they are in the arms of God, and just a moment there is better than here.

7 weeks 2 days.

So for over a week now I have been wondering about my temps that I recorded to see when we ovulate. I temped so we could better our chances. Well July 10th I had a BIG dip in my temps and it was on the day we thought I'd be ovulating. But that day I think I had a super low temp because my wonderful crabby pants husband did not want to wake up that morning and walk over to turn off the alarm (I couldn't get up until after I temped so my temp would be more accurate) Anywho crabby husband presses snooze and jumps back in bed. Thus moving the bed and the thermometer around. So after I typed in my temp is was SUPER low. (it dips on day of O) and I was mad because I didn't know if it would mess up my temps. So I temped for 5 more days to see that the temp was still up and then quit so I wouldn't be obsessing until that glorious monthly gift came. But little did I know... if I just would have temped 2 more days my O date would have changed. See, on July 14th I had a temp that went just below the line that fertility friend (.com) gave me. I never really noticed until after we got pregnant that it was like that. So today I played with the chart and added 2 more days of temps the same as the last day I temped and sure enough fertility friend changed my crosshairs, giving me a new O date and a new due date. April 6th which matches up with the current size of baby.
I find it beautiful that we somehow managed to 'make' this baby on a day that we were really not 'trying' since we thought our monthly cycle chance was over. I just feel even more blessed by it. That the baby is practically and unexpected gift given to us by only God's choice. If we stuck just to our O date we wouldn't have this gift.
Thank you God for this wonderful gift you have given us. I trust YOU, and depend on YOU for any and all twists and turns we may have in this pregnancy and in the life of this child you have given us. I know you are with us and that is SO comforting. Excuse me if I am still a little nervous on Wednesday to see the heartbeat. I am only human.

Rawr.

Everything today is making me SOOOO mad. Hormones going nuts or is it just a bad day? Idk, but J is lucky he wont see me until tomorrow morning.
Could also be because I am so emotional about today because AGA's last day. Yeah I get the fact that things need to change blah blah blah.... but I HATE change.



....other than the fact that my life is changing because of a baby, I'm cool with that.

Dear Baby...

Dear Baby,
              I so badly want to meet you. I'm willing to wait the next 7 and a half months if you are willing to stay. I already love you so much. I want to do ALL that I can to keep you!

                                                                   Love, Mommy

Lunch.

Mashed potatoes on pizza. Delicious! I doubt that I ate this because of a craving, I've always liked my food weird. Oh and oreo ice cream cake. Wish I could take a longer nap at work from my food coma, but my break is over now....

+  
= Nom Nom!

Be an Optimist Prime!

Today we had our first ultrasound! Baby is measuring at 5 1/2 weeks and we will have another ultrasound in two weeks. And we should hear/see a heartbeat that day. I so badly want to know our baby is growing bigger and bigger just to come be with us!

See the black little dot? THAT is our baby! It really is the "sac" we are looking at here. I was a little bummed because we were thinking I was 6 weeks today and that there could be SOME chance we would see a heartbeat. And it made me nervous that the size of the sac is not what we assumed. But the doctor and nurses didn't seem to care at all, and I trust them. Obviously I've never been pregnant before so I'm not sure what is "normal" so every little thing freaks me out. I just can't wait to meet this sweet baby, can't wait to hold that cute little 'blip' in my arms someday. April cannot come fast enough, but grow safely baby, I understand. : )

 I was being a sour puss and all nervous and asking the dr what happens if there is no heartbeat? Just giving a lot of "what if's" So the dr was telling me not to worry until we get to a point like that and J said "Be optimus prime..." I wanted to laugh so hard. I love having him with me. I swear it makes the nurses uncomfortable because we laugh SO MUCH but oh well. He knows how to keep me from really freaking out and to keep the mood light. I love him.

Blood work results

So this morning J and I had to wake up at  5:20 get ready, leave the house, get change for the tolls, and head out on the road to get my blood work done over a half hour away! I'm so glad that I can get blood drawn much closer to home on wednesday!
So I was VERY nervous this morning after I had blood taken because I spoke with the nurse about how HCG should double between the times we take blood and the last time it only went from 400 to 500... well this time I am over 1,000! So they say HCG is just fine but progesterone is still a little low, I forgot to ask how much it did go up. I hope by wednesday that ALL levels are at a good spot.
Wednesday is also the ultrasound and I'll be 6 weeks... so MAYBE we can hear a heartbeat? There is a small chance but they might make me go back for another ultrasound at 7 weeks.

I am SO thankful for the blessings God has given us already with this baby! Well, embryo.

Blood work.

Soo it turns out (at least for now) that our due date is April 3rd. Nephews birthday! Anyway, this can change again, maybe even change two more times as time goes on, judging on how the baby is growing.
So now we start new weeks on wednesday and not tuesday. So we would have been 5w5d today but we are 5w4d. And we are going wednesday to have an ultrasound at 6 weeks. Pretty early but Dr. wants to keep a close watch on us. And this past friday I had a blood draw at 7am to check on HCG and progesterone. HCG went from 400 to 500 and progesterone went from a 7 to a 9. I'm doing meds for progesterone daily to raise the numbers. And I have another blood draw tomorrow at 7am and should find out if my numbers went up again. Up is good, very good. And down is bad, very bad, like miscarriage bad.
We are praying that God continues to bless us and watch over us during this time (and the rest of the pregnancy)

Oh, the Lord's been good to me...

... And so I thank the Lord! 

For giving me the things I need: 

The sun, the rain and the appleseed; 

Oh, the Lord's been good to me.

Baby is the size of an appleseed today! I am SO nervous for the dr visit tomorrow, not sure what to expect. And I fear something will be wrong. But, I'm trying to stay as calm as I can, for my little appleseed! 

Here's a weekly thing I hope to fill out for the next 34-35 weeks! 

How far along? 5 Weeks
Total weight gain/loss? Have not checked but I feel like I lost weight. Just not that hungry sometimes.
Maternity clothes? Nope
Stretch marks? Not from baby! haha
Sleep? I got 3 hrs of sleep last night, for some reason I need to wake up between 3-4 and I'm lucky if I get back to sleep. But I did just have a glorious nap at work. 
Best moment last week? I found out we are pregnant! 
Movement? Nope
Food cravings? No cravings, and no official turn offs on food but sometimes I look at something to eat and think "Yeah, no...."
Gender? Team Green!!
Labor signs? 
Belly button in/out? 
What I miss: Feta cheese and chinese! 
What I am looking forward to: Going to see dr tomorrow, clueless on what to do! And what they will do. AHH!
Milestones: I'm pregnant.

Aghh

So many chances we could tell people! It's driving me nuts not talking about it freely with our families. But soon we will! The next 5-7 weeks better go quick! In the meantime we have been getting the baby room painted and thinking of ideas to tell people.
Yesterday we painted the room a light grey. WE LOVE IT! It's what I imagined doing, and J is happy with it, he can't stop smiling. I just want to cry, tears of joy though!
Let's see... in the past week I had so many moments that I just wanted to burst out that we are pregnant. When we first found out it was a tuesday, July 24. (Charlie's 3rd birthday)
I knew going to bed monday night that I was going to test in the morning since my monthly friend was a day late. I woke up EVERY hour that night! I swear I woke up at 11:45pm and almost got out of bed to test. Then by 3;00am I had enough, I thought to myself I might as well test and get the negative and go to bed. I tested. saw no line after 2 minutes (the wait time is 3) and after another minute and a few cries to God I walked back to look at the test and saw such a faint line and I started shaking. I rushed right away to open the box of digital tests. Once I got them open I tested and waited watching the screen showing a little sand timer thing for like 3 minutes... waiting ... waiting... waiting... PREGNANT!! I fell to the floor shaking and crying, thanking God!
So J was at work and I had to wait for him to come home by 7:30am. That wait took FOREVER, and I kept calling him to see where he was at. When he got home I had a piece of paper that said "Hi daddy! I can't wait to meet you!" with the digital test. He just kept telling me to shut up.
I went to work that day just wanting to tell EVERYONE! I even mentioned to a mom that my brain is turning into mush and she said "Maybe you are pregnant!" I just laughed it off knowing we actually are. So at work right now I am talking about things like we are still trying for baby. And with my family there has been moments where I say no to something like drinking wine or playing soccer and I feel like they either think I'm weird or they know! Can't wait to tell our friends and family, I am usually such a bad liar but I think I am getting the hang of it! Let's see if I make it to september.

We're Pregnant!

We found out just about a week ago that we are expecting! J and I have been trying for 6 months, not extremely long but time does seem to drag on when you are actually trying for a baby. And we also were nervous about how long it would take, if in the end we'd need medical intervention just because of my past of chemo and taking lupron shots that did its best to help protect future eggs!

Well, now we are pregnant. Tomorrow I am 5 weeks! I have almost no symptoms,  other than mild cramps, and some heavier womanly goods. I'll be miserable but happy once I have something, even morning sickness. Wednesday we have our first dr visit. I can't wait for a dr to tell me that "Yes, you are pregnant!"

Forgot the best part! We are due April 2nd!!!!!