...

This weekend we celebrated my moms birthday at the camper. While we were in the camper we were sitting around and my mom offered wine. S (sister) declined the wine, which is NOT like her! Especially for a birthday. I knew something was up so I texted her...

She looked at me dead in the eye when I sent the first text. It reminded me of the first time I was offered wine while I was pregnant. I knew in that moment. And had to get it out of her. When she texted for the walk I came outside with a smile on my face, just knowing what she was going to tell me. 

On our walk she told me how horrible she felt being pregnant after my loss. I told her that this baby is a blessing, and she should not feel bad for being pregnant. This is clearly God's plan. S&B agreed to tell the rest of the family since our mom was already questioning about the wine, and really, how often do we get the family together! They picked gift time to do it... 

Look at them, they have no idea what is about to happen! So after all the gifts S said "So we have your gift, it's just on back order." .... Mom looked SO confused!! And then her jaw dropped and she screamed "YOU ARE PREGNANT!" J&C had no idea that their mommy was pregnant. J is so excited. I think C will understand more as time goes on. 

That night S and I talked more and it started sinking in more, and then even more on sunday. We would have been 6 weeks apart! I've never questioned why we miscarried more than I do right now. I've always wanted to be pregnant, and to be pregnant with one of my sisters would have been a wonderful bonus. Technically we were during august. She just did not know yet. 

I physically hurt thinking about how close I was to having those prayers be true. When I think about this all I start to feel numb in my arms and it leads to my chest. I hate this feeling. 

I am so happy for my sister, I am just unhappy for me.

My time will come...

Baby Addison.

Yesterday we had the D&C. I was pretty calm from the time we got there until hours later being rolled away. I joked with the nurse about the spelling of my first name because the spelling of my last name was wrong and she had to resticker everything. She did not look amused. I was though!
My RE doctor who would be doing the surgery came by to visit, we asked if there was a possibility to know the gender during tissue testing. But the baby does not show signs of a gender until 8 weeks.  I thought that gender was decided when sperm and egg met! And then it just took time for the baby to grow to physically show gender. Well, once she told us we will not know the gender we decided on a name, a name we liked mainly for a girl but that I have since found out it is a more masculine name. So it is gender friendly. We decided on Addison. Which means son of Adam, and Adam means 'earth'. We also found out that since the hospital that this was done at was a Catholic hospital they take the other babies from surgeries like this and other miscarriages and burry them. They gave us papers that explained where Addison will be.
The surgery was supposed to be at 10 but in hospital land that was pushed back to past 11 before they rolled me away. And they gave me meds that should 'calm me down' but really once I started leaving J I started crying. It felt even more real. I was crying all the way into the surgery room until the officially knocked me out. Then I woke up and had forgotten where I was for a second and what happened. I just kept asking when J could come to me. They gave me some pain meds because I was just aching from all that went on. They told me the more meds I asked for the longer it would take to get to the 2nd recovery room to see J, so I decided on just waiting it out and suddenly the pain eased.
They then took me to the second recovery room and this woman from the hospital came with a nun and asked if I was ready for the blessing. I told them yes but my husband was still in the waiting room so they went to get him. While they did the nun had to do the blessing without us because they were preparing Addison for tissue testing. Then the nun gave us paper with the blessing she read and a blanket/cloth they laid on Addison while they blessed. I came home shortly after that and FINALLY had something to eat other than hospital cookies. By the time I got home it was around 4:00. And there was no more pain, just very tired. Very, very tired! Here is a picture of the blanket, and a knitted angel, along with the blessing.

Let us ask God to look with tenderness on this child, and on each of us.

God of mercy and love, you are the source of all life. You know the depths of our sorrow. You have called Addison to yourself at the dawn of his/her life, and we ask that you lighten the burden of our loss by your loving care for us. We believe that Addison is with you. We ask that one day as a family, we may share eternal life with Addison and with You.

The cross is a powerful reminder that we live in hope and the promise of the resurrection. In the name of the christian community, I mark Addison with the sign of the cross.

God of comfort, ever strong and ever faithful, stand by E&J in their time of need. In Your love, You gave us Your Son, Jesus, to help us in our time of grief and pain. Give E&J a share in the strength You gave Your Son, so that they may be a help to one another, and a sign to each other in Your goodness and loving care. Amen.