It's over...

... it's all over.

And it did not end how I expected it to. I knew that my DR was calling this a chemical pregnancy. I never thought that a chemical pregnancy could make it to 5 weeks. Let alone make it to almost 6 weeks. On thursday (5w5d) I had some spotting. I knew it was coming, so that night I made sure to start taking 'period precautions'.  I figured this would last like my regular period, 3-4 days, maybe heavier than what I am used to, but that is not what happened.

Thursday it was spotting.
Friday, getting heavy with clots.
Saturday, heavy with clots.
Sunday, heavy with clots.
Monday, heavy with clots, one being very large.
Tuesday, spotting, then a slight heavy flow with another clot.
Wednesday, just very light spotting.

Seven days? Really? I know that 7 days is not horrible. But I had pumped myself up into thinking that this would be just like a regular period. I cramped everyday. Some were sharp, and others reminded me of the cramps after my D&C. That was the one thing that reminded me everyday that this is a miscarriage. That I was losing another baby. The baby may not have gotten as far as the last, but a baby none the less.

So now that this has ended (or so I hope) I am starting a process to move on. After this cycle ends and I begin the new one I need to call my RE to schedule the RPL (recurrent pregnancy loss) work up. Hopefully that will all start happening by the end of February, so we hope to be given the go to try again by April or May. In the meantime I am TRYING (key word trying) to lose at least 15lbs before we start trying again. And then keep up the diet while we wait for another BFP. Of course losing more than 15lbs before April is very welcomed.

5w4d

This morning I had more blood taken, and an ultrasound. Before the ultrasound was started she asked me which number pregnancy this is for me. I said number two, so she asked me if I had a child already at home. NO WOMAN! READ MY CHARTS.

I did not expect to see anything and I should have told the ultrasound tech that because she was trying to sound hopeful of the fact that I am 5w4d and that nothing, not even a spec is seen. Is there a baby there? Yes. Will they keep growing? Possibly. Will they grow into a healthy baby by september? No.

I've accepted this. I don't want this, but accepted this. And now I am just ready to figure out if my miscarriages can be explained.

One more blood draw on saturday and then discuss with the DR what to do if my numbers are still going up and not down. I may have to end this pregnancy medically, and I hate that.

....................

As of this afternoon my count has gone down, from 124 to 122... 

I am hoping that this means I will get to miscarry naturally. 

I did it!

I gave myself the shot. It didn't even hurt, which makes me feel like I did it wrong. But there is no way to give the shot wrong as long as I do not 'inject' before the needle is already in. I decided to do this myself since J might be working 12 hrs all week and I should usually do it before bed. 

Today my boobs have felt super sore. I never even felt this sore with the last pregnancy... so I would like to know what thats all about! And I started feeling small cramping, almost like a pull/tug. Which is normal in pregnancy, but no spotting still. 

Now I need to go to sleep since I have to leave the house at 6:00am to get blood drawn. Oh I can't wait.

I feel like a failure.

Go ahead and tell me that I am not. That my baby isn't surviving because something is wrong with THEM and not ME. Or that it is my body's way of getting rid of something that was not meant to be. Or even that my body failed me not me failing my body. It's out of my control. I know.

Wednesday morning (early morning) I went to my Dr office for blood work. I went with my mom, she drove since J had to work and if I pushed my appointment back I would be late for work. I felt confident. I just could not imagine ANYTHING going wrong. 

I got to work early, went about my day and waited for 1:00 to hit. By then they should for sure have those results. I felt calm until 12:00... Then it was 1:30 and no call! So I called, they said the results come in later on wednesdays and all this crap. Stuff I did not want to hear because the last time I was pregnant and needed blood draw I would get a call by 1:00, sometimes earlier. But I let it go, and went on my break from work. J made lunch and after we ate my phone rang, a number I did not know, so I answered. 

This is how the call went for me...

"Yeah Hi, this is Susie from the Drs office, yeah we have the blood work back and the numbers went from 50 to 90... so it is not looking good again... if you could come into the office on friday and then saturday............................."

Then I stopped listening. I started tearing up and I didn't want her to hear it so I just kept saying 'yes' and 'mhm' a lot. Right away I called my mom and ended up having to pass the phone to J. I could not stop crying. I was crying so hard that I felt like I couldn't breathe and I was gasping for air. J and I hugged and cried for a while, then the alarm on my phone went off saying my break was over. 

I went back to work, blood shot eyes and still holding back tears. I rushed into the bathroom and waited for my eyes to lighten up. When I got to my classroom I was relieved to find out that we were going outside. I made sure I put on my sunglasses. It helped being with the kids at work, but at some moments I was still choking back tears. 

Work ends and I talked to my boss(es) and let them know what is happening. One already knew of my previous loss. I asked for friday off and they gave me thursday as well. I was thankful for it. I was and still am, on the verge of tears at any given time.

Friday I went to get more blood taken and was told congratulations by the lady taking my blood. I was so upset that she didn't look more into my chart. I got the results just after 12:00 and it went from 90 to 100... yeah that sucks. Then later that night I saw my oncologist and she gave me a prescription for blood thinners to see if that can help. The reasoning is that there could be a clot where the baby is, and that clot could keep the baby from growing, thus keeping it from producing more HCG. It will fight off more blood cells from becoming part of the possible clot, and while it does that my body should be able to break down the possible clot. She wanted me to do this for the next pregnancy after our last loss because I took blood thinners during chemo.

After seeing the oncologist we went to pick up the shots. A month worth is over $700. Yikes. And this is the generic brand! So the pharmacy suggested buying just a weeks worth for now. Which was under $200... still a lot. But this was doable since we don't know if the current baby would actually benefit from the shots, and I do not want to end up with over 20 blood thinner shots. 

So this all leads me to today. The meeting with my RE. the pre meeting was with one of her new/training nurses. She told me that with the beginning of my last cycle I am 5 weeks today and the EDD is September 14, 2013. Then she kept calling my last loss a 'missed abortion'. I understand that it is the medical term. But to me an abortion is a choice to lose that baby. I did not chose to lose my baby. My baby was no longer growing. My baby was already with God. 

When I met with the Dr she said she believes this could be a chemical pregnancy. Which I thought would have made me miscarry before I make it to 5 weeks. Guess I am wrong. Then she told me there is a chance of ectopic, but that she doubts it would be that. But she did warn me to stay around the house, do not go traveling, keep near a hospital because if it is ectopic it will burst and I could pass out. Yeah, way to freak me out! She said once this baby miscarries that she wants to wait a month and then test me to see why at 23 I am losing pregnancies. Which will put a big halt on our TTC plans. But to be honest, I am scared to get pregnant again. I guess we will just have to wait and see if the want for a baby will out weigh our fears once it is time to try again. After she checked me and told me all this and then left, I just cried. I said to J "This is not supposed to be this hard..."

During the past 4 days I have been told so many miracle stories, and ways to help reverse this possible loss. I appreciate it, and trust me I take every comment into consideration. In the meantime, I am going to take my shots and say my prayers. 

F.E.A.R.

False Evidence Appearing Real

J and I heard that "fear" thing the day we found out. And today it made REAL sense. I woke up at 5am and just HAD to test again, and then I picked at everything about the test... it's not darker than the one I took two days ago, it's not as dark as the one I took two days ago... just over thinking. This lasted for a while and then I asked God to take these thoughts from my mind. After I asked that of Him I started feeling better. And before I went to work the Dr's office called and told me that yes the blood work is positive, and to come in early wednesday morning. My mom will be taking me. I am glad it is just for blood work since I want J with me for the ultrasound. 

At work I just wanted to tell everyone! And I did my best to not lift the todds as often. I let my boss's know that I might be a little late wednesday morning, and I just wanted to tell them why since I am so excited. When I was asked what I did this weekend I had to hold back from saying "I took a pregnancy test and it was positive!!" But if anyone were to question if I was pregnant I will tell them the truth. I felt so wrong denying the fact that I was pregnant to friends and co workers with the last pregnancy. 

After getting off work I noticed that my legs felt like they had growing pains. Could be from body getting prepared to grow, and/or could be because I need more calcium. Luckily I have been wanting OJ all day, and normally I can only have half a glass. And now I feel like I could chug it down!

I am excited to keep moving forward with this pregnancy. 

Happy. Hopeful. Hungry.

This morning I woke up at 4:07am. Too flipping early. And after going to the bathroom hunger hit me... I laid there for another hr before getting out of bed and waking my husband who was more than happy to wake up so early with me. (LOL)
I felt SO hungry. So we ate and then watched some "I Love Lucy" and he fell asleep until it was time to get ready for church. Real quick we took a few pics with the pregnancy tests. And I switched in my phone an app called sprout, I had it set with Addison's growth which would obviously still be going on right now, 26/27weeks. And now it's listed as "Baby Hill" and just set to be due with what the internet claims with my last cycle. September 14, 2013. I felt bad switching Addison. But at the same time I felt like this new pregnancy gives me a reason to move on. I've put on here before that Addison could send down a brother or sister of theirs for me.
Church was awesome. We are starting a new series that will last over 30 weeks (with a break in the summer) And when they announced the series a month ago I thought it would be funny to do a week by week series during pregnancy, and now we are. Of course because of the summer break we will still be doing the study 2 months after the baby is born.
After church we went out to eat with Vanessa and then looked at bargain books for a while.
After that, we came home and took some more pictures with the pregnancy tests. We could not stop laughing, trying to get the test in focus and us in the background. It was fun and now I am tired.
Tomorrow I'm getting the results to the blood taken yesterday. I can't wait, I feel much more at ease with this pregnancy than I did the last. More hopeful.

CD 29... BFP.

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!

I'm pregnant. 

This is crazy and exciting. 

We have 3 home pregnancy tests and are waiting for my blood results on monday. From the looks of things we should be due mid September. 

I can see the line so much more clear than the first pregnancy. In person it looks darker, with the last pregnancy I could not fully get the line in a picture. I feel less nervous than last time. I can't wait to keep going forward with the pregnancy. We told our parents today and my sisters. We are waiting to tell more after the blessing of a heartbeat comes. 

We didn't chart this month so I'm not sure when I ovulated... but I knew that by now I would have ovulated so I told J that I wanted to test today. I had him buy a pregnancy test and promised I would wait for him to come home from work this morning to test. So when he got home I tested, I set a timer and we sat there for 3 minutes. The timer went off and we walked into the bathroom together and looked down at the test... before J's eyes could even focus I jumped up saying "I'm pregnant!" (he claims I hit him in the face...) Then we tested the digital and waited there for 3 minutes just to see the word pregnant... then we did the yes or no one for fun. 

After the tests we called the DR and they had us come in for blood. We drove there did the blood, left and went to see R and told her that we already have a gift her son since he is born the same month we are do... she looked confused as to why we would even look for a gift right now... and then we couldn't stop smiling that she got it. She helped us make sure that my parents and other sister was home so we could sneakily come over and tell them. I couldn't stop laughing. So we went to my parents house and chatted for a while and then I told them that I wanted to play them a song from youtube. So I played "We're having a baby, my baby and me." from I Love Lucy. My mom just looked forward while listening and my dad was looking at her like...when are you gonna catch on? Then when she did we hugged and she cried soo much. Then we headed to S&B's house and when we got there... they were not home but thankfully showed up soon after we got there. We went in, chatted again... and then they asked if we had news...and we just smiled. They asked if we were going to be foster parents and I said... "Take away the word foster.." Then we chowed down on some food. I was hungry. After we left their house we called J's mom and told her, she sounded happy and I can't wait to share ultrasound pictures with her soon! 

I know that this is not for sure to follow through but we wanted to share with parents and siblings so we could have support around us. We are SO happy and pray that this is our rainbow baby.