CD 1....

Enough said with the title.

In other news.. J and I will have our final walk-through on monday. Which is also our 1 year anniversary!! I can't believe it will be one whole year that i have been married to this guy... he is amazing! God gave me a great gift when he gave me him.
We are excited for the final walk through. By the end of the week we basically could get phone calls... I am so ready to take care of a child and give them the love they need and deserve. I am praying that we could take in a child before christmas.
But that all depends on if we even get called...and then if we meet the child's needs, can we accommodate them in our home? I am so nervous! A good nervous though.


Open your mouth for those who cannot speak, and for the rights of those who are left without help. Open your mouth. Be right and fair in what you decide. Stand up for the rights of those who are suffering and in need. 
- Proverbs 31: 8-9

CD23/DPO7

I couldn't take it. I walked away when I heard of pregnancy being spoken. It Hurts. I am so sick of this pain. I cried in the car while I was playing K-Love (I decided it could help me stay calm during 2ww to focus on God) I understand that everything happens for a reason and that I may not know this reason for a long time. I think that is what makes it most difficult! 

Hug Addison extra tight for me God, also, hug J and I. We need your comfort. 

CD22/DPO6

Blahhh The past two days I cried so much, sad part is... I DON'T KNOW WHY!!

But today I kept thinking of my first BFP... seeing Pregnant. When will I see that again? I know this is only our first month trying again but... it took 6 months last time, I'd rather it doesn't again.

Addison, please send mommy a brother or sister of yours..

Wait no... CD19/DPO3

So I was wrong! My apologies. 

I am NOW 3 days past my ovulation. And praying for the best. I think the 2ww (two week wait) is one of the worst parts of TTC (trying to conceive). The other is getting a negative. 

Lord, I am asking for this child but I know it is all on your terms. 

CD16/3DPO

I shouldn't have, but I did... or I should say WE shouldn't have, but WE did. After this cycle is when I have the full clear from my RE to TTC again. But after thanksgiving seeing my sister (love you btw if you ever read this) rub her baby bump, it killed me. I should be doing that! If it weren't for the miscarriage I would be doing that. Right now all I am rubbing is a babyless tummy. I hold my stomach daily and pray that God will give me another child soon. I pray that He makes this womb a home for my baby to grow and grow until they are ready to be in my arms. Healthy and alive. So when I took my temp on the 24th drop I wanted to try. I still am waiting for crosshairs on FF to confirm.. which should have happened after 3dpo. So maybe I didn't O yet...
So I doubt this month will be 'Our month' and considering we should be waiting another month I guess thats good... but at the same time I do pray for a different outcome.

Christmas time is here... (CD14/DPO1)

AHH I am just so excited for Christmas!
Tree is up, fireplace is decorated...

Sweater party is on it's way... yessss.

"Do you have a son?"

I posted this on TB the other day, but I wanted to put it here so I can look back and remember this.
I keep being asked by people if I have any kids, once they find out the I am married that seems to be the  question!

I was giving a teacher a break during nap time. As I was sitting there this one boy who just would not sleep, randomly asked me if I had a son. (with certain stuff from my D&C and dreams I've had I feel in my heart that my baby was a boy) So I told him yes but that he doesn't live with me anymore. He asked what my sons name is and I told him the name we had picked. He kept asking me why he doesn't live with me, and was he going to come live with me again, and I told him no but I am going to go live with him some day.

When people ask me if I have a child I just want to say yes. I do! It's not a lie. Addison may not be with me but Addison sure was part of me.
J and I should have been finding out the sex of Addison this week. It kills me knowing all that could have been happening. Finding out the sex, having an actual ultrasound picture, wearing that shirt I bought at motherhood that I thought would be perfect for thanksgiving day.
I'm so bugged that the miscarriage was out of my control. There was nothing I could do to fix the fact that Addison was not growing, there is nothing to fix how I feel about missing Addison and seeing others pregnant.
Addison, if you could send me your brother or sister soon that would be great, maybe then mommy will feel like she got to have some part of you.